Have I Figured this Life Out Yet? ...Part Two

So, I've been doing a lot of thinking. This is not necessarily good, but that's what the brain is for, right? It can't help itself. Somehow it just keeps on thinking. No help from the peanut gallery needed. When last we talked about family secrets - here - I mentioned that I didn't have any notion that I had two brothers. Heck, I only knew about one brother - that stinky, annoying turd that was always teasing and picking on me. And now I had another brother??? Older than the first one? Please say it ain't so.

It was.

I seem to have been born into a world of secrets. I didn't know it at the time. Wasn't even really aware of it. Do you know that keeping some secrets can be a betrayal? It's a betrayal of heart, of hopes and of dreams, and truth. Somehow it feels like much of my family life was shaded by closely guarded secrets. Funny thing about secrets. One way or another they do come out. What you've hidden away from others, and from yourself, may fester and ferment, and morph into something totally unexpected. There's no control when you hide something away from your heart.

My half-brother was the first major family secret I learned about as a child. It wouldn't be until I was 50 that I would learn of yet another sibling - this time a full-sibling.

But, I don't want to get ahead of myself. Stay tuned.

As it turned out, I came to consider my half-brother Ron the more trust-worthy of my siblings. He is a straight-shooter, kind-hearted and smart. He always had a smile and hug for me, never selfish. There's not much to say about my other brother. Oh, he was an okay brother to me, but kind of distant. We were relatively close when I was 16 years old and he was leaving for Viet Nam - stationed in Cam Rahn Bay. He actually let me use his Forest Green Karmann Ghia VW while he was gone. That was cool. But, after his tour, he and I never much bonded. It probably didn't help that he was stationed in Florida and has lived there to this day. Still, when we did get together - it was always oil and water.

Life goes on, and I learned to keep my own secret, because my parents were so over-bearing in their world view (can you say "ultra-conservative?"), I could not bring myself to discuss anything of this nature with them. I think I have identified as lesbian since high school. Maybe even before that, but clearly I had leanings in that direction in the late 60's, early 70's. I really had no clue what I was feeling. I just knew that when I dated guys, there was never a spark, and hardly an interest. All my girlfriends were head-over-heels for guys. Me? Not so much. But, I was clueless even when my fantasies turned to the girls I knew and liked so much.

Until college. I lived in the dorm of a Catholic college, while attending a commercial photography school nearby. Ha! My parents must've thought I would stay out of trouble that way. The joke was on them - only they didn't know it. I think Catholic girls are the most risk-taking females on the planet. Sure seemed that way to me. Had my first ever love & crush there. Painfully wonderful. Painfully secretive. Wonderfully involving. Whew!

So my world became Dorothy's Lively Secret. Indeed, little did I see that I was following in the footsteps of my family. Indeed, it was not the healthiest way to become an adult.

Then I made it worse. I joined the Navy. In those days there was no "Don't ask; don't tell." It was more simple than that:

"Hide."

Still, it was amazing how many cool women I would meet in the Navy. It actually was liberating, in a warped kind of way. It was also where I would meet my future wife - in Keflavik, Iceland, of all places...

Does all this make sense? Ask me questions if you're curious about anything.

DP Benes and North Carolinia

Now I know that some of you may live in or near North Carolina. I have never been fortunate enough to visit that fine state. I am certain it has a beauty all its own.

But I am so glad that we do not live there. We are so lucky to live in California where our family is accepted so readily that there's nary a blink of an eye. I like it that way. We're nondescript, not all that different from most anyone else on our suburban street. Even in business, or dealings with the medical community, it's nothing to get worked up about.

So, it came as a jarring reality to me that outside of California there are millions of people who do not enjoy the rights we enjoy in the Golden State. Yesterday I spent half a work day filling out forms, compiling copies of forms, getting signatures notarized and finally sending everything via FedEx to my new employer in North Carolina. All was well until they noticed I had neglected to send along 3 of 6 items requested to "prove" our Domestic Partnership. NC has a law banning same-sex marriage, but hiring outside the state, they do allow that there are Domestic Partnerships. I haven't had to prove this for at least 10 years, other than by stipulating our partnership, etc. They won't even accept a California DP certificate, and of course they don't recognize same-sex marriage in California.

We sent our co-registered car registration, copy of a Power of Attorney dated 1994, and a copy of our joint checking account deposit slip. If that verifies our domestic bliss, it seems to me anyone could comply with items such as these and claim benefits.

If states would just see the legal light and give us the same right to marriage as strayt couples, the states would benefit, they could claim to be going "green" by eliminating unnecessary paperwork, lawyers might have to find another revenue stream to support their accustomed lifestyle, and we could all just get on with the business of living.

As a side note, I noticed that the wedding industry in San Francisco has experienced a lot of growth in the last month. All those new gay weddings require flowers, invitations, dinners, suits, dresses, wedding planners, cakes... the list goes on ad infinitum. At least one industry is having a boon!

Maybe Three Time's the Charm?

So, unless you're living under a rock, or just plain don't care, you've probably heard that the California Supreme Court has overturned a gay marriage ban in a ruling that would make the nation's largest state the second one to allow gay and lesbian weddings. Click here to read the full article, and click here for the full text of the opinion.

Wow. This could be big. Many of my friends are jubilant. I am happy, but I cannot be jubilant. I'll be jubilant when the rug is no longer pulled out from under us. Kandy and I have been "married" in the Lutheran church. Oh, it's not legal, but the pastors married us - in our eyes and minds. Then, 10 years later we were married again in San Francisco at City Hall. But, again, the Governor took it away, and it was not legal.

Now, maybe it will be. I wonder if this decision could be retroactive to our marriage in SF? That would be cool, and justice served, I think.

We have some friends, Erin and Sam, who have worked tirelessly for this to happen. Today Erin wrote an email to Andrew Sullivan at TheAtlantic.com, and her email became his "Email of the Day" on his Daily Dish. You can see Erin's email here. I am so proud of her and Sam, living in the Southland. It is people like them who get these things passed, change people's minds. I so admire that they work so hard on these issues, doing things I don't or cannot do, for all the people like me in California who will benefit from their efforts. We are so lucky to have them. What a wonderful gift.

Other bloggers have posted their take on this today. My blog friend Tara Dharma has a good 'en here:Victory.

Sappho: Back When the Internet Was Young

Way back "when," I worked at UCSB in the 80's, the Internet was young and wild. For most people, it didn't even exist. I mean, it certainly didn't become a successful commercial entity until the mid-90's, as an extension of ArpaNet.

I was in the Electrical Engineering Dept., building digital laboratories for engineering students. I brought in a few HP mini's of the day, and in the mid to late 80's it was these kinds of tasks that got me interested in UUNET. There weren't well-defined email protocols out there yet, and my email was sent via UUCP to cooperating computers. At the same time I had pulled down news feeds from UUNet, which was your basic bulletin board-like way of communicating via email lists... or something like that - very public, and not at all private.

I was interested in connecting with other lesbians - something very daring for me. After all, in my twenties, I was most certainly not out at that time. Matter of fact, I was pretty damned closeted. It's a sad truth, I know. I am almost ashamed to admit it. But, facts are facts, and there you have it. So. Where was I? Oh yeah, connecting with others of like mindedness. Well, it's lost in the bowels of my memory axons, but somehow I came across an email list called, "Sappho." I think this must have been after the first version of Majordomo list software was released.

O. M. G. There must have been 500 women subscribed to that list from all over the world. At that time - what a concept! There was an incredible amount of email flying back and forth and all over the place. There was a LOT of inane email and one-liners interspersed with some real gems. It was like a hunt to find those gems in that high noise to gem ratio of an email list. In a way, it was a precursor to the blogs and comments of today. It is interesting to see those of like-mindedness seeking each other out to share and exchange. Somewhat like those email lists of old.

After being on Sappho for a few years, it got tiring that so much trivia flew around, and it seemed like there were sub-conversations going on between some 10 to 20 members. We split off into another, more private list. The premise for this list was that we all loved writing and were interested in sharing our writing and ideas with one another. That focus never was very keen. Eventually, there was a rift among some list members, and again we had a split.

This list has (about) 12 women on it now. We have been "together" from the beginning - I'd say about 1988, or so. None of us has met all the members of the list. Some of us have met only one or two members. I think I have met all but two of our list members. We span the continent from Vermont to Texas to Wisconsin and out to California, and more. We have grown close over the years, surviving cancer, partner deaths, new partners, child births, job loss - everything life can throw at us over twenty years.

It's a lot like having a coffee circle of friends. A resource that we each hold very close to our hearts.

I thought to share this with you as a way of commemorating the longevity of such bonds. They seem tenuous, but they are really strong.

It is somewhat like the fibrous bonds that bloggers share. I know bloggers that have met and felt very close to their new friends. It is a lot like that.

Our world is indeed getting smaller. Our world can be our community.

Lesbian Family dot Org

I am proud to say that this blog is now listed on LesbianFamily.org under their "Non-Bio" and "Big Kids" blogrolls. I'm jazzed. The website has had its ups and downs as it has picked up a following, but I think it has picked up some momentum now and can be a very good resource for other Lesbian families.

I must admit that they put my blog there after a little prodding by yers trewly. Hey, this blog doesn't rock and roll waving the Lesbo Flag, but, we have our own contribution to make, just the same.

We have never been the lesbians that shout out our allegiances. All who know us would agree that we are pretty low key people. We do enjoy living and contributing in our community as open, partnered lesbians with two children who are working for inclusiveness and understanding. It is the way we live, how we live, and what we contribute to the community on the daily basis that makes our family matter. It makes our community notice us, acknowledge our presence, and by so knowing, we are not unknown.

Our presence makes this community a safe place for other lesbian and gay families. We wish to make our mark by being who we are and not hiding that.

The Steps of Aging

Lately I've been doing a lot of thinking about aging.

Over on Maria's blog, Just Eat Your Cupcake, in one of her posts last month she talked about how she felt a bit out of sync with her Easter guests (my paraphrasing). I'm right there with you, Maria. We spent Easter day and evening with a family we share a lot in common, but timing isn't one of those things. Our friends, Diana and Jerry, are parents to Michael and Ryan. Diana and Jerry were both born the year I graduated high school. But Ryan is the same ages as Katie, and Michael is a few years younger than Megan.

Nearly ALL the parents we schmooze with are much, much younger than we are. I mean, our own children are the ages of what our grandchildren could have been, had we had any kids in our early twenties. Especially the lesbian parents. They are sooo young, it feels like we have so little in common.

Um. Now I really do feel old.

Once I left college (which I started when I was 25, after six years in the US Navy - another blog topic for another day...), I always felt just a little out of step with my friends and co-workers. Maybe even a little wiser, I'd think to myself very smugly. That was then.

Now, I feel as if I am always trying to keep up with these young whipper-snappers. And I’m not talking about the kids!

Tangentially, my oldest sibling is my half-brother and he is eleven years older than me. I am the youngest. The "baby." I have a brother ten years older than me - he nearly died last year. His wake-up call finally came, at 62. Now he is belatedly taking care of himself, I think he finally grew up.

Takes some of us longer than others, I guess. We have a full-sister that is younger than both my brothers, but older than me - and she was given up for adoption. (Yup. Another blog topic to explore. Anyone making a list?) She found us a few years ago. It's odd to go 50 years of life thinking I'm the only girl-child, and then learn I have a sister. Hard to wrap my sense of self so differently.

Now, parents are aging and dying. My Mom is 82 and she just keeps going and going like the Energizer Bunny. She has a hard time getting up and down stairs, but is doing okay. I do worry about her, alone in the house I grew up in, now that Dad is gone. But, she says she will stay in that house as long as she can take care of herself. She has friends look in on her, my niece and her husband keep an eye on her, my bother and I drive or fly up there whenever we can, or when we’re needed.

It makes me wonder what life for Kandy and I will be like as we age. We have no family locally. I worry a bit about that, when I’m not worrying about day to day things. I wonder if even then I’ll feel out of sync…